Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
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*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids