Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
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My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
the noise i just made
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments