[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
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Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀