I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
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For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”