Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
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[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave