Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Rambo Rambow
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids