The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
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Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
This headline is a thing of beauty
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead