Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
You Might Also Like
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
So inspired right now.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I’m not stressed
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need