Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
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A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush