You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
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The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am