We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
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Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive