A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
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Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I was just discussing this with my cat
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt