Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
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Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.