How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
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My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Favourite diary entry ever
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it