I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
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A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
what’s more important?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.