“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
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I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
It’s an epidemic…
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.