When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
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True?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Smile they said.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.