Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
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triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.