(yawn)
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Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
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Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)