knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
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My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
United Steaks of America
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”