Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
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me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name