high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
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Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.