Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
You Might Also Like
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.