My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
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What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
live, laugh, laundry.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.