Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
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my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Netflix and you sit over there.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW