WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
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Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.