*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
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When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume