With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
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*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.