All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
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My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.