I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
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Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.