Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
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The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I told my vodka about you.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
yea so i messed up lol