Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
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Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Yup….perfect score!
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
idk what this dog had been going through but same
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Huge, if true.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded