“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
You Might Also Like
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I’m ready for Halloween this year
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
At least he brought enough for everyone
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.