I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*