I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
You Might Also Like
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
sir, my pâté if you please
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Good point.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
They’re on their honeymoon
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*