You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
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birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
no one likes gloating
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.