Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
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Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.