Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
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I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
#Caturday
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ