My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
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2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Strangers have the best candy.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’