I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
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I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Always.
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Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Just me and my debit card against the world
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.