husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
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Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”