Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
You Might Also Like
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.