[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
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You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Put a ring on it
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
just got my engagement photos
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?