If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
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Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*