It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
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My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
boat question
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.