At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
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Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
every college guy’s fridge
fly smarter, not harder
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.