I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
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my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
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D
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ʸ
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I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
🙋♀️
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate