If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
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this was the best i’ve ever seen
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.