My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
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Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
A dad and his duck
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.