for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
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Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
japanese corn
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!